Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Journal Interlude

Despite my biggest concerns about the holiday not proving to be major issues, I am struggling to get into the holiday spirit at the moment and I hope I will soon. The combination of very intermittant sleep and the effort of getting around is exhausting, hopefully at least the sleep will improve. More than last year I am finding the inability to participate in almost everything on offer, fairly depressing. I was at least still eating and drinking last year, albeit with difficulty but it is just another thing struck off the list now. Being in an environment where hundreds of people are chatting, eating and drinking or relaxing in a hot tub is difficult. I know its difficult for Tracy, not having someone to share these activities with, and I don't want to cast gloom over everyone's holiday but with being so tired, I know I am not doing a good job at hiding all this.

Although sitting in the garden day after day is fairly boring after a few months it is a good method of avoiding all the reminders. And here there is no escaping them. It probably illustrates a lack of acceptance of the situation and proves a significant amount of denial.

I am trying to focus on the enjoyment that the boys are having, which is why I went with them to the 50s American diner themed restaurant this afternoon, so I could watch them enjoying the enormous burgers and ice cream sundaes. But it was torture watching, the food looked so delicious. It makes me feel quite selfish; my frustration and jealousy was outweighing my ability to take pleasure from the boys enjoyment of something.

I guess it's always the danger when returning on the same holiday after the first one was so good. This year was never going to be as good, I hope I can start to get used to this year's version soon and enjoy it for what it is.

OK, whinge over. Day 4 report to follow later once Tracy and boys return from their excursion into Gibraltar.



Becky said...

Not selfish - human. And in some ways, superhuman - I don't know if many people could put themselves in the position of being in an environment where they were denied the joys and most basic experiences afforded to everybody else.

I hope it gets better.


Pollyanna said...

how can you possibly begin to call yourself selfish? I know exactly how you feel and my condition is not one yes pleaseas bad as yours, albeit the fact that I am unable to participate in any activity. I hate going out to crowded shopping centres and cannot bear the thought of going anywhere where everyone else is bustling about enjoying themselves, oblivious to those of us stranded in a wheelchair, unable to participate but fully aware of that fact. Your inability to even eat or drink must be unbearable.
One can only revel so much England's children's enjoyment of activities.
Just try to enjoy the warmth. Do you have a Kindle? They are great for reading. Perhaps you can put one on your eye gazer.
Take care. xx